Cullen IM
by SomewhereBeyondThesePages
Summary: When the Cullens, and Bella, begin to use their computers for IM, they learn things they never knew about each other. Full of randomness and shocks, you won't believe the things you read. All characters are well, out of character.
1. Crazy Cullens?

_**AN: I was bored one day so I came up with this. I promise that there will be VERY random things in this story. Hope you all enjoy!! **_

-Bella signs on-

-Bella signs on-

-Edward signs on-

-Alice signs on-

Bella: Ooh, Pretty vampire!

Edward: ??

Alice: I think she's gone crazy

Bella: psht! I am not crazy!

Edward: Dear Carlisle, help me.

Bella: -pouts-

-Emmett signs on-

Emmett: Haha…look at her face!

Bella: What? What's on it?

Emmett: A nose…and a mouth…ooh, and two eyes!

Bella: O.o

Bella: I think Emmett's the one that is crazy…

Edward: I agree

Emmett: Hey, I resent that!

Alice: Haha

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: Ooh, silver blades are awesome!

Bella: Jasper? Have you turned emo? blanches

Jasper: Mhhm…After Rosalie killed my spoon!

-Rosalie signs on-

Rosalie: You were OBSESSED with the thing!

Jasper: But..it…was my boyfriend…

Bella: Oh god, Jasper's gay too?

Jasper: I didn't mean BOYfriend. I meant a friend that is a boy.

Edward: Rightttt….

Bella: O.o

Alice: I felt deprived of my husband during that horrible time…

Emmett: Yah, he had like a FaZe…it was weird man….

Bella: A faze?

Alice: He collected spoons…He even NAMED them. Every 1,368!

Bella: Is Jasper okay? Does he need help?

Edward: I think half of this family needs help…looks pointedly at Rose, Jazz, Alice, and Em

Rosalie: Hey!

Emmett: le gasp

Jasper: I do NOT need any help!

Alice: Eddie, such a shame that you tell us that we need help…You have some things to work on…SERIOUS things…

Bella: Um…Do I want to know?  
Edward: No…

Bella: Okay then….

-Esme signs on-

Esme: I need ALL your clothes, pronto!

Emmett: Oh no, not one of your laundry rampages!

Esme: slaps Em's head Clothes. Off. Now!

Emmett: eyes widen in horror okay…

-Emmett signs off-

Bella: Um…I should go…

Esme: STAY! glares

Bella: I'm…scared…Edward…

Edward: Just do it. I'll let you wear something of mine.

Alice: Sheesh, Esme…You have to go crazy with Bella here?

Alice: ducks Okay…

-Alice signs off-

-Edward signs off-

-Bella signs off-

Rosalie: Esme…You could just hold it off till tomorrow…

Esme: No! I need to do laundry NOW!

Rosalie: Alright….

-Rosalie signs off-

Esme: Jeez, why is it so hard to get my children to give me their laundry?

-Esme signs off-

-Carlisle signs on-

Carlisle: Did I miss something?

_**AN: I really do love your reviews!! -hint hint- ;)**_


	2. Why?

_**A/N: Yay! I am updating again! Life has been crazy. Thank you for the awesome comments and I hope you enjoy another chapter of craziness! =]**_

-Bella signs on-

-Edward signs on-

Bella: Well…that was, um, interesting?

Edward: *sigh* Esme gets a little carried away sometimes…

-Alice signs on-

Alice: A LITTLE! She basically gave me a heart attack! And you know that is not an easy task being a vampire and all!

-Rosalie signs on-

Rosalie: She could've let me keep my bra…

-Emmett signs on-

Emmett: You were top less! How did I miss that!

Rosalie: *slaps Em* Idiot!

Bella: Okay…

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: She washed my knife! My beautiful, beautiful, precious knife!

Bella: Um, Jasper? Are you okay?

Jasper: She washed my knife! Does it look like I'm okay!?

Bella: O.o

Edward: Jasper…Please…

Jasper: *glares*

-Carlisle signs on-

Carlisle: Thank God that I was at work! She would have strangled me, again…

Bella: Again?

Carlisle: I refused to give her my clothes once and she strangled me while ripping off my clothes…

Alice: Yeah, he had imprints of her hands on his neck for a week!

Emmett: And I thought I was the only one who got hurt around here…

Bella: _

-Nobody types for a few-

Carlisle: So…why don't you guys just talk to each other? I mean, you are in the same room.

Alice: Because the joy of typing is awesome!

Emmett: And I don't get hit that often…

-Rosalie slaps Em's head-

Emmett: Hey!!!

Rosalie: You shouldn't have said anything.

Emmett: *glares*

Rosalie: Whatever…

Jasper: I don't get my knife stolen so much…And I can talk to other emolicious humans!

Edward: Oh jeez, you're talking in the chat rooms? Seriously Jasper, go see a therapist!

Jasper: There is nothing that wrong with me that needs therapy! I am perfect the way I am!!!

Edward: Okay Jasper…Okay *shakes head*

Bella: I just join for the fun of it. 'Cuz I feel left out if you all are typing and not talking like NORMAL people!

Alice: We're vampires, Bella…There is nothing normal about us!

Bella: But you could act more like us fragile humans. You do live and walk with them.

Edward: Bella, love? You're the only one that is fragile.

Bella: *glares* I'm just fragile to you!

Emmett: Well, you are a little more pathetic than most humans.

-Bella punches Em's arm-

Emmett: Hey!

Bella: That's gonna leave a bruise.

Edward: Bella! Are you okay? Let me see your hand!

Bella: O.o I'm alright, Edward. I didn't punch him THAT hard.

Edward: Giveme now!

Alice: Jeez Eddie, she's alright.

Edward: *glares*

Bella: Oh fine! *hands hand to Edward*

Bella: See, it's alright.

Edward: Yeah, sure…

Carlisle: I'll take a look at it later if you're that concerned Edward…

Edward: *nods head furiously*

Bella: *rolls eyes*

Emmett: I'm leaving…Cuz Eddie is being over protective again…Tootles!

Edward: Don't call me Eddie!!!

-Emmett signs off-

Edward: Damn, I was going to kill him too.

Rosalie: Could you please?

Alice: I don't see Emmett dying in the future…Oh well.

Jasper: Yeah…Oh well…

-Jasper signs off-

-Alice signs off-

-Rosalie signs off-

Bella: Well….

Carlisle: Yep….

Edward: …

-Esme signs on-

Esme: Jeez…

-Bella signs off-

-Carlisle signs off-

-Edward signs off-

Esme: What'd I do???


	3. Toothbrush!

_**A/N: AHA! Two chapters in one day! I am on a rollllllllllll! Hope you enjoy!**_

-Rosalie signs on-

-Edward signs on-

-Bella signs on-

Rosalie: The idiot…He had to try it…

Bella: Try what?

Edward: He's so stupid!

Bella: WHO?!

-Emmett signs on-

Emmett: Yum!!! *licks finger*

Rosalie: He is.

Emmett: What?

Bella: …Is that….toothpaste?

Edward: Colgate to be exact.

Bella: *stares*

Emmett: It's soooooo good. Wanna try some? *holds out tube*

Bella: *eyes widen* *shakes head*

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: Where the hell is my toothbrush? I thought I left…..it….*looks at Em*

Emmett: What? I lost mine and so I borrowed yours.

Jasper: *glares* Emmett, give me Mr. Clean back now.

Emmett: Why? *squeezes Colgate into his mouth*

Jasper: He needs to take his nap…

Rosalie: Oh gawd.

Emmett: No, he's my bestest buddie! He lives with me now.

Bella: *blank face* Um…

Jasper: He's not your bestest buddie, he's mine! He wouldn't ever betray me!

Emmett: *raises eyebrows* Oh really?

Jasper: Yes really! He loves me and I love him.

-Alice signs on-

Alice: But I thought you loved me? *pouts*

Jasper: Yes, yes, I do. But this is a different kind of relationship.

Alice: Then why in the future do I see you having sex with it? Huh, Jasper? Tell me! *sobs*

Edward: What a retarded family I live in…

Rosalie: I agree…

-Rosalie signs off-

Jasper: *pats Alice's head* You know I will always love you!

Alice: *sniffles* I know….

Emmett: I'm still keeping Mr. Clean.

Jasper: We'll see about that. *does vampire-y look* This means war!!!

-Jasper signs off-

Emmett: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

-Emmett signs off-

Edward: Alice, do you see anything that involves Bella or I in the next few hours?

Alice: *searches* Nope. Go ahead!

Bella: *shakes head* What?

Edward: I'm taking you to the meadow.

Bella: Ooh, okay!

-Bella signs off-

Edward: Be aware of Esme. She'll be walking up here in a few.

Alice: Alright.

-Edward signs off-

-Jasper signs on-

-Emmett signs on-

Jasper: Mr. Clean, you are mine again!!!! I love you! *makes out with toothbrush*

Emmett: Ew, disgusting. Get a room!

Jasper: No! You deserve to see how much Mr. Clean loves me!

Alice: I'm leaving now…See you tomorrow, Jasper.

Jasper: *between kisses* Yeah…okay…bye

-Alice signs off-

Emmett: You have fun Jazz…Uh…Loving Mr. Clean….I think I'll go too…*averts eyes*

Jasper: Yeah…Whatever

-Emmett signs off-

-All is quiet for a few minutes-

-Mr. Clean signs on-

Mr. Clean: Are we alone now?

Jasper: Yes, shall we go upstairs?

Mr. Clean: Of course, love.

-Jasper signs off-

-Mr. Clean signs off-

-Carlisle signs on-

Carlisle: *rereads IM*

Carlisle: Oh my goodness…

-Esme signs on-

Esme: What is it, honey?

Carlisle: Jasper is having an affair with a toothbrush and Alice knows about it…

Esme: *chokes on laughter* Hahahaha!

Carlisle: You think that's funny?

Esme: *calms* Well, yeah. It reminded me of the time you loved your desk.

Carlisle: I didn't want that to ever be brought up again…Esme….

Esme: Sorry….I have to go clean.

Carlisle: Right…Bye

-Esme signs off-

-Carlisle signs off-


	4. Love, music, and name calling?

_**A/N: Woohoo!!! Gosh, I feel so happy that I am back to writing again! Here is another chapter of Cullen IM. I will be putting the chapter names in the story now. You know, like a header....Anyways, hope you enjoy! =]**_

**Love, music, and name calling?**

_P:S: I don't own any of the characters or Katy Perry's music. Just the randomness. =]_

-Bella sings on-

-Alice sings on-

Bella: I kissed a girl and I liked it!

Alice: The taste of her cherry chapsitck!!!

Bella: I kissed a girl just to try it

Alice: I hope my boyfriend don't mind it.

-Edward signs on-

Edward: Bella? *lip trembles* You kissed a girl?

Bella: Yes, and I liked it!

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: Alice, I thought we had this worked out. You wouldn't cheat on me and I wouldn't cheat on you.

Alice: Jazzy…You know I would never do such a thing…And wait. Are you cheating on me???

Jasper: Um…No?

Alice: I will see…*sees all* NOOO!!!!!

Jasper: I'm sorry…..But after Emmett killed Mr. Clean I had to get something else!

Alice: But seriously! An ELEPHANT!!! What the HELL?!

Jasper: Dumbo is very nice. Once you get to know him…

Bella: God…Why did I have to fall in love with a vampire and his family have to be weird?

Edward: Fate, my dear.

Bella: Rightttttt…….

-Emmett signs on-

Emmett: Jasper…Sorry I killed Mr. Clean.

Jasper: You're apologizing. What did you do?

Emmett: -gasps- Why would you assume I did something wrong?

Jasper: Because Alice here can see what you do and you NEVER apologize.

Alice: This is not going to be pretty.

-Rosalie signs on-

Rosalie: Did someone say pretty?

-All- NO!

Rosalie: Gosh, I was just asking.

-Rosalie signs off-

Emmett: I did NOT do anything at ALL.

Bella: Should we believe King Idiot?

Emmett: Since when do you call people names, Clumsy?

Bella: Since now!

Emmett: Hmph…

Jasper: I shall go inspect my room and see what you have done King Idiot. Good bye all.

-Jasper signs off-

Emmett: King Idiot…Where does she come up with this stuff.

Bella: Hmm…I don't know…Edward maybe?

Edward: Hey now. Don't blame the nickname thing on me!

Bella: But it's true!

Edward: -glares-

Emmett: So YOU are the one that gave Clumsy the idea of giving me a nickname. Oh it is ON, Eddie boy.

Edward: Don't call me Eddie!!!

Emmett: Too bad, so sad.

Alice: Emmett….You didn't!!!

Emmett: What did I didn't?

Bella: Asshole…

Emmett: Grr…

Alice: Why, oh why, are my shoes filled with elephant stuffing?

Emmett: Oh…Um…That…Uh

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: OH NO YOU DI-IN'T!!! –snaps fingers-

Emmett: No, I di-in't…

Jasper: You killed my Dumbo!! And I was finally coping with the death of Mr. Clean…-sobs-

Emmett: Eh…Your gayness is getting on my nerves, bro.

Jasper: Do NOT call me gay!

Emmett: But it's true…

Jasper: ARGH!!!

-Jasper signs off-

-Tackles Em-

Emmett: ahjdfalw;eiofjewaafjdlaiamanassholeafdka;fdka;oefrpu2u3p 3op2;m;axq

Alice: motherfuckingchickenassessuckingshitandbitchingeachother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: Whoa there Alice!

Edward: I didn't know you had it in you. Bravo, Alice!

Alice: Why thank you very much!

-All hear things crack-

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: YES!!! I HAVE GOTTEN MY REVENGE!!!!!!!!

Bella: What did you do?

Jasper: I crushed all of Emmett's Britney Spears CD's.

Bella: O.o

Edward: Haha! That is awesome!!! –high fives-

Jasper: Thank you brother dear!

Alice: You know…Emmett is going to go in to hibernation now…

Bella: Hibernation?

Edward: The last time Em's Britney Spears CD's got dilapidated, he stayed in his closet for 30 years.

Bella: Omg…

Alice: It's only going to be 10 years this time though….He is going to exact his revenge on Jasper early.

Jasper: Oh my gosh. I am soooooooooo scared. Lol

Bella: You used lol.

Jasper: Yes I did. Lol

Bella: lol

Edward: lol

Alice: loi

Bella: What the heck?

Alice: Laughing on the inside.

Bella: Oh…That's gay

Jasper: HEY!

Bella: I didn't mean any offense!

Jasper: Oh. You're forgiven.

Bella: Thanks!

Edward: Sooo….Back to the "I kissed a girl" thing….-coughs-

Bella: Oh. Don't worry Edward! It is just a song by the awesomest singer ever!!!

Alice: KATY PERRY!!!!

Bella: I kissed a girl and I like it!

Alice: The taste of her cherry chap stick

Jasper: That is my queue to go.

Edward: Mine as well…

-Jasper signs off-

-Edward signs off-

Bella: Are they gone yet?

Alice: Yes. You can come up now.

Bella: Alright.

Alice: We shall have the best kissing time ever!

Bella: Agreed!

-Bella signs off-

-Alice signs off-


	5. Annoying Jasper

_**A/N: YES!!! I did it! Another chapter is finished. I think this one is kinda boring. But how do I know that you guys might like it? Idk...Anyways, thank you for the reviews! Hope you enjoy !**_

**Chap****ter 5**

**Annoying Jasper**

-Alice signs on-

-Bella signs on-

-Emmett signs on-

Bella: So…Emmett, have you decided to come out of hiding in the closet extra early?

Emmett: I suppose so. I have come up with the perfect way to annoy Jasper.

Alice: Omg! That is so gonna piss him off.

Emmett: I know right?!

Bella: Wait, what?

Alice: King Idiot over here is gonna talk in IM talk.

Bella: Okay…And I care because?

Emmett: Because you, Clumsy, are gonna help and so is the rest of the family. Minus Jazz of course. =]

Bella: Oh joy, now he's gonna be mad at me too!

Alice: Don't worry, Bella dear. We will keep you safe.

-Eddie signs on-

Eddie: HEY!! WHO CHANGED MY NAME!!!!

Emmett: *cough cough*

Eddie: Damn you, Emmett. I WILL kill you.

Emmett: Oh, I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo afraid!!!

Eddie: Grr…

Bella: You wouldn't really kill him would you? *pouts*

Eddie: Well, seeing as he is a gigantic dorkwad that weighs a ton who thinks he's superman. No I won't.

Bella: Oh…Okay. O.o

Emmett: HAHA!

Eddie: SHUT UP!!!!

Emmett: But I'm not talking! 

Eddie: Then…uh…STOP TYPING! Oh!

Emmett: Psh. Whatever!

Bella: …You guys are idiots, I swear.

Eddie: What?

Bella: …Um…

Alice: Nice. So when o you want us to start typing in IM? Oh wait..5 minutes.

Emmett: What? Oh, is the gay person going to sign on in 5?

Alice: Yup!

Bella: Edward, you need to protect me from Jasper's evilness when he figures out what we're doing.

Eddie: Yes, of course.

-Rosalie signs on-

Rosalie: So, can I join the annoying Jasper deal?

Emmett: Yes, my dear.

Rosalie: Thanks.

-All wait a few more minutes-

Emmett: Do you think we should delete this convo before he finds out what we are up to?

Eddie: I think that would be a good idea.

-Erases-

Bella: -hums Jeopardy theme song-

Alice: Loi

Bella: 

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: HELLO MY FAMILY!....and Bella.

Bella: *glares*

Jasper: Sorry

Bella: Tat's ok

Emmett: Wot up?

Jasper: Grr…You're not in hiding anymore. What are you going to do?

Emmett: Nothing…

Jasper: Sure…

Alice: How r u dear?

Jasper: Good…

Bella: sure u r

Jasper: How would _you_ know?

Bella: Cuz I do

Emmett: roflmao

Jasper: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: wat?

Jasper: Just talk IM.

Emmett: No

Jasper: Yes huh

Emmett: Nuh uh!

Jasper: Yuh huh!

Eddie: Just stop.

Jasper: NOOOO!!!

Emmett: lol w/e

Eddie: Do NOT say whatever to me!

Emmett: w/e

Rosalie: OMG….

Bella: I kno, right?

Alice: Losers

Bella: lol

Rosalie: Em, hon, ur annoying

Emmett: *gasp* Oh NO u di'int!

Rosalie: Oh yes I did!

Emmett: Nuh uh!

Rosalie: Yuh huh!

Bella: OMC!!!!!! STOP!!

Eddie: Omc?

Bella: Oh my Carlisle. Wat, do u have a problem w/ it?

Eddie: Yes…

Bella: Fine…OME!!!!

Alice: loi!

Jasper: Not you too!

Alice: Sry, internet got to me. 

Jasper: -rips hair out- Help me Lord!

Rosalie: So…wat u wanna do?

Jasper: Besides annoy me?

Emmett: But it's fun!

Bella: I kno!

Eddie: Wat?

Bella: We culd sing songs!

-Emmett, Eddie, Jasper-

-NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: Ok..Fine. Stupidos

Alice: Psh. U guys SUCK!

Emmett: NUH UH!

Rosalie: Oh pleeese, not start this again!

Emmett: Fine…

Jasper: Okay, you know what? Emmett, I'll buy you all the Britney Spears CD's and posters and collectables and clothes! JUST STOP THE IM TALK!!!

Bella: But, we R IM'ing

Jasper: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE?!

Bella: Gawd…

Emmett: *thinks*

Bella: Whoa! You think Emmett!

Emmett: I resent that!

Bella: 

Alice: Yeah, it's a first.

Emmett: Grr..

Jasper: Well?

Emmett: Okay fine!

Jasper: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie: Oh myself!

Alice: lol

Jasper: ALICE!

Alice: Oh sry

Bella: Ha ha

Jasper: Come on. Please stop. Or no more sex for you!

Alice: *gasp* YOU WOULDN'T

Jasper: Wouldn't I?

Alice: Gosh…Fine!

Jasper: Thank you. Now is everyone going to stop?

Bella: Maybe…

Eddie: Not sure…

Rosalie: No

Emmett: YES!

Alice: Grr…

Jasper: Guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Bella: I won't be THAT mean to you, Jazz.

Jasper: Thanks.

Eddie: I'm gonna go…Got some piano to play.

Emmett: I swear, you are in love with that thing!

Eddie: No I am not!

Bella: I though you loved me?

Eddie: I do! King idiot is just living up to his name.

Bella: lol

Eddie: Tootles!

-Eddie signs off-

Alice: since when does he say tootles?

Bella: Since now I guess….

Alice: okay…

Emmett: Bye

Jasper: Later

Rosalie: Yah….

-Emmett signs off-

-Jasper signs off-

-Rosalie signs off-

-Bella signs off-

-Alice signs off-


	6. Gangsters, & hobos, & rapists, oh my!

_**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I have been extremely busy with Christmas and everything. Hope you like my random filled chapter! =]**_

-Bella signs on-

-Alice signs on-

-Edward signs on-

-Emmett signs on-

Bella: Waz up, my home dogs?

Emmett: Teh sky.

Edward: Idiot! And I see you changed my name back.

Alice: He knows you are eternally grateful and he resents the idiot thing.

Emmett: Hey, since when do u start speaking 4 me?

Alice: Since now.

Emmett: Hmph!

Bella: ROFLMAO! Emmett hmphed!

Emmett: I said HMPH!

Edward: Bella?

Bella: Yup?

Edward: Are you still going to typed IM like?

Bella: 4 sure

Edward: Joy.

Alice: Yes, it is full of joy. IM'ing rules!!!

Bella: TOTALLY!!!

Emmett: Hey! That is my word!

Bella: HMPH!

Emmett: Grr…

-Carlisle signs on-

Carlisle: Poor man…Fleas got to him.

Bella: Fleas?

Carlisle: Yes…He was out in the woods and a bunch of fleas flew at him.

Alice: Riiight.

Carlisle: What? It's true!

Emmett: I bet he put them on the dude like he did with the bees.

Edward: Lol. That was hilarious!

Bella: *gulp* Bees?

Emmett: Yes. Carlisle decided to get in trouble one day and throw bees on a hobo.

Bella: That's racist.

Alice: I kno, right?

Bella: I was a hobo once.

Edward: U what?

Bella: I was a HOBO. Can u not read, Edward? Are u blind?

Edward: What..Oh…No?

Alice: U got somethin against hobo's, Eddie?

Emmett: I bet he does…That prude!

Edward: I am NOT a prude and there is nothing wrong with hobo's!

Carlisle: I kissed a hobo and I liked it.

Alice: Omg…

Bella: Really? Who was it? Maybe I know him.

Carlisle: His name was Jiggly Joe.

Emmett: OME!!! Was he fat?!

Edward: Would you please not use my name in vain?

Emmett: That would be a no.

Edward: You will pay.

Bella: Eh hem…Back to Jiggly Joe. I don't think I know him.

Carlisle: He wasn't from around here. Ah, I miss him so.

Bella: Does Esme know about this?

Carlisle: Nope. Actually, no one did until now.

Alice: How could I not have seen?!

Carlisle: Jiggly Joe was pretty skinny. He may have been too thin for you to see.

Alice: *gasp*

Emmett: Damn…He wasn't fat…

Edward: Oh god…

Bella: So…Where did you meet him?

Carlisle: I met him on eHarmony. Pretty cool website.

Emmett: A dating website? C'mon Carlisle.

Carlisle: What? Is there a problem with dating websites?

Emmett: Yes…Scary rapists can get you…*averts eyes*

Alice: Oh my lord…You were RAPED?!?!?!?!

Emmett: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Do you have to yell it so loud!!!!!

Alice: I didn't yell. It was typed.

Emmett: Hmph…

Edward: Why didn't you ever tell us?

Emmett: I…I was afraid the rapist would find me.

Bella: Who was it?

Emmett: Er…

Carlisle: You can tell us, Emmett.

Emmett: Right…Oh, well damn! Fine. It was…Felix…

-All is quiet-

-Still quiet-

-Even more quiet-

Emmett: WOULD SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Bella: Oh…My…Edward…

Alice: Holy ****

Carlisle: Oh no…

Emmett: Yes…I know…

-Edward signs off-

Bella: Hey, why did Edward leave?

Alice: Idk…

Carlisle: Well…I guess I will finish my story.

Bella: Oh yes. Where were you?

Carlisle: I met him on eHarmony…And he did NOT try to rape me.

Emmett: As we can tell.

Carlisle: We met down at a drugstore and we hit it off. Oh, I was so in love.

Bella: So now Carlisle is gay too…

Alice: What is happening to the men in this family.

Emmett: Nothing is happening to me!

Bella: Um…You were raped! And by a guy I might add.

Emmett: Be that way!

Carlisle: Yes…I had my freedom. He died a decade ago…Twas sad…

Bella: Oh. I'm sorry. Here, I'll send you an e-hug.

-Hugs-

Carlisle: Thanks. *sniffle* I feel better now.

Alice: Do you think Eddie is okay? I hear him banging his head on the toilet.

Bella: Oh, he does that.

Emmett: Tis true!

Bella: Mhm!

Carlisle: I have to go to the hospital now. They are beeping me.

Emmett: Lol…It sounded like you were going to say they were fuc-

Carlisle: Emmett.

Emmett: Oh, right. No cursing…Damn.

Carlisle: EMMETT!

Emmett: Sorry!!!! Damn it…

Carlisle: E-M-M-E-T-T

Emmett: I'll be going now…

-Emmett signs off-

Carlisle: That boy will never learn.

Alice: Lol. Later Carlisle. Later Bella.

Bella: Yeah…Bye.

-Carlisle signs off-

-Bella signs off-

-Alice signs off-


	7. Conniving

_**A/N: Hello everyone! Thanks so much for the reviews! I know I haven't updated in a while. So, here is another chapter. This one is a little short, but bare with me! I was feeling a little depressed and I know that you aren't supposed to bring your own feelings into a story, but, well, I thought it would make a good couple of chapters. I promise it will still be funny though! Don't give up on me! :) Enjoy the next chapter of Cullen IM! And review please! :) Maybe I'll update sooner...;)**_

**Conniving  
**

-Bella signs on-

-Alice signs on-

-Emmett signs on-

Bella: *sigh*

Alice: What's wrong?

Bella: Nothing…

Emmett: U haven't been on for like a week. Something has to be wrong.

Bella: Nothing's wrong, damn it!

Emmett: Some1 needs to take a chill pill.

Bella: GRR!

Alice: Then why are u so sad?

Emmett: Are u not having sex with Eddie?

Bella: I don't c how that is any of ur business.

Emmett: Oh, I'm right! YES!

Bella: SHUT UP!

Alice: Tell us…Please? *puppy dog eyes*

Bella: No.

Emmett: Please? Please? Please? *pouts*

Bella: U look extremely babyish when u pout. Don't do that!

Emmett: Hmph…

Alice: I'll give u chocolate to make u feel better if u tell?

Bella: Finnneee….I don't think Edward luvs me ne more…

Emmett: *gasp*

Alice: Why?

Bella: He's been talking to Mike more than me…I feel deprived.

Emmett: Ew…He's talking to that fag?

Bella: Mhm…And he doesn't ever kiss me anymore…

Alice: I'm sure it's just a faze he's going through. He'll get over it.

Bella: What am I going to do in the mean time?

Emmett: You could turn into a hippie?

Bella: Why?

Emmett: Hippies are all like "Dude. Life rox!"

Alice: Yeah, they don't care what people think of them.

Bella: Hmm…I'll think about it.

Alice: No! No thinking about it. We will transform u now! U will forget about Eddie soon. I promise!

Bella: I trust you.

Emmett: U'll have to start drinking though…

Bella: WTF?

Emmett: That's how hippies forget things…

Bella: And will u be the one to get the beer and make me drink it?

Emmett: Yup!

Alice: Do u think that is such a good idea?

Emmett: Of course! It was my idea, right?

Bella: He thinks too highly of himself…

Alice: I agree…

Emmett: Shall the transformation begin?

Bella: Nah…Let's wait until the marrow. I wanna be depressed 2day.

Emmett: Of course.

Alice: Do u know where Eddie is now?

Bella: Like I said. He's been talking to Mike more. So he's probably at his house…=[

Emmett: It'll b ok. *pats back*

Bella: Thanks. *sniffle*

Alice: Shall we cheer u up ne ways?

Bella: Sure…

-Rosalie signs on-

Rosalie: What's up with Bella?

Emmett: Eddie is having an affair with Mike.

Rosalie: OMG

Alice: I know.

Bella: I think I should get revenge on him.

Emmett: I WANNA HELP!!!!

Bella: lol Ok.

Alice: Cool. We'll all help. U in Rosalie?

Rosalie: Yup.

Bella: How 2 do this…

Emmett: U need to pretend u r going out with some 1.

Alice: Yeah. We could make up a fake person on IM and have u talk to him.

Bella: Hmm…I like. Should I talk dirty?

Rosalie: Of course!

Alice: And then u should go on a "trip" to meet the dude.

Bella: But, what if Edward follows and there is actually no guy?

Rosalie: We'll force some human to be the guy.

Emmett: Then, u'll have to get all mushy over him.

Bella: Meaning; I have 2 kiss him?

Emmett: Yup!

Bella: Hmm…Ok.

Alice: Don't act like u know Eddie is following u.

Bella: Alright.

Rosalie: When shall we put this plan in2 motion?

Alice: When Edward gets back in an hour.

Bella: Are u sure this will make Edward leave Mike?

Alice: *sees* Of course. I can see that he will take u back.

Bella: Will I forgive him?

Alice: Yus!

Emmett: This will be gr8!

Rosalie: I agree!

Alice: Alright…Let's go make that fake person!!

-All sign off-

Alice makes a new account on the email. She types in the name Pancho and makes that the IM name. She logs in for a test run.

-Pancho signs on-

-Bella signs on-

Pancho: Hello, my sweet baby.

Bella: Mmm. Hi!

Pancho: Is this a good name, Bella?

Bella: Yup, Alice! U did good!

Pancho: Gr8. Now, let's wait for Edward to get home.

Bella: YAY!! =]

Pancho: Mwahahaha…

-Bella signs off-

-Pancho signs off-


	8. Plan Just About In Motion

_**A/N: HELLOOOOO, everyone! Sorry for taking so long to update. The only excuse I have for you is that I had Semester Exams. They were such a pain…Anyways, thank you all for the many reviews, and I do mean many because you reviewed a lot! Thank you SOOOO much!!! I love you! And now I will bless you with not having to read more of this super di duper long author's note. Enjoy!**_

**As usual, I do not own Twilight in its shape and form. I am just a fan fiction writer that is stealing Stephenie Meyer's characters and making them do crazy things. :)**

_**Plan just about in motion**_

-DANCINGLOCA signs on-

DANCINGLOCA: Wow! IM'ing. Just doing a shout out! :)

-DANCINGLOCA signs off-

**(My friend had to do it. Look her up and read her stories! Awesome stuff, man!)**

-2 hours later-

-Pancho signs on-

-Bella signs on-

Pancho: Hey bay-bay!

Bella: Pancho! I've missed u. :(

Pancho: We'll get 2 c each other 2day

Bella: I kno. Yay!

Pancho: So, 3pm?

Bella: Yup! I can't w8 2 kiss u.

Pancho: Mmm…I can't w8 2 get down and dirty w/ u. :D

Bella: Mhm! It will b gr8!

Pancho: I shall leave now. Will meet u at the pier.

Bella: Alright! Bye lover!

Pancho: By, my Bella!

-Pancho signs off-

-Edward signs on-

-reads IM-

Edward: Bella?

Bella: Yup?

Edward: Ima beat u up!

Bella: *GASP* Y? :O

Edward: Ur cheatin on me!!

Bella: U r 2!

Edward: Psh…No I is not!

Bella: U b lyin!

Edward: W/e!

Bella: GOODBYE!

Edward: Yeah, yeah…

-Bella signs off-

-Edward signs off-

Bella quickly logged off and made sure she was ready. Edward was pissed at Bella. But he kept thinking about what he and Mike were doing. How did Bella know about that? Was she some mind reader too? Oh noes! **(Edward is at Mike's house.)**

Bella ran out to the garage and hopped in to Alice's Porsche. Alice was waiting in the passenger seat. Bella pressed her foot to the pedal and they sped out of the garage.

"He's not going to figure out where you're going for ten minutes. He's self wallowing." Alice said.

Bella rolled her eyes and sped onto the highway. She barely dodged a minivan as she drove.

"Bella? Do you want to get in a wreck? I mean, seriously!" Alice said. She was panicking.

"Alice…I just want to get this day over with so Edward will take me back. And besides, you're a vampire. You won't even get hurt if I crash!" Bella pointed out.

"Still…" Alice's voice wavered.

Bella drove to Port Angeles and parked by the pier. Alice and Bella stepped out of the Porsche and searched the crowd of people.

"Now. We need to find a man that is muscular and tallish." Alice said, grabbing Bella's arm and dragging her through the street.

As they were searching, Alice's silver cell phone trilled and she flipped it open.

"…No, I don't know where she is…Yes, I did let her take my Porsche…BECAUSE I'm nice, unlike someone we know…Yeah, yeah, right, Mike was only a minor distraction. Sure…I am out hunting, so leave me alone…NO, I am NOT with her…She is just going to be so happy when she sees you, not! GOODBYE!" And with that, Alice slammed the phone shut.

"He's on his way," she said, turning back to Bella. "He just left two minutes ago. That means he is going to be here in about sixteen and a half minutes."

They scanned the small crowd at the pier. There was only one guy that was a bit muscular and tallish looking. Alice flipped him around and started to speak to him.

"Hi, I'm Alice. You may not talk or say that you were forced to do anything. There is a reward for doing what I am about to tell you to do. Got it?" The man's eyes flickered between Alice and Bella. He nodded his head slowly.

Alice filled him in on the plan, adamantly telling the man that his name was Pancho. He couldn't get it through his head that it was _Pancho_ not Nacho.

"Alright, you ready for this. Duh-duh-duh-duhduhduh," Alice saw Bella and the random man staring at her. "What?" Bella just shook her head and glanced over her shoulder.

"Alice, aren't you supposed to be hunting? Er…Um," Bella saw the look of confusion pass over the make-believe Pancho's face. "You know…For…uh…clothes?"

Alice nodded. "You know what to do. Later and good luck." And then she left.

Twelve minutes had passed since Edward had called. He would be at the pier soon. '_Damn, I hope this goes well. Stupid Edward and his gayness…' _**(I do not mean to offend any Edward lovers or gay people…You know. It just fits with the story.)**

Bella began pacing as the time got nearer and nearer. Her heart was beating frantically and she was on the edge of hyperventilating. Bella checked her wrist watch one last time. It was two twenty-nine p.m.

Bella looked anxiously at the strange man. He looked back at her wearily.

"Just act like you know me…_Really_ well…" Bella scooted a little closer to him. Understanding flashed through his eyes and he grabbed for Bella's hand. He pulled her close to her chest.

"My baby, oh how I've missed you. My sweet, sweet Bella." The Pancho man caressed her face.

'_Oh, wow. That actually feels good…' _Bella thought, leaning into the man's hand.

"Mmm, Pancho, my sexy man. I love the way you touch me." Bella almost giggled when she said this. The look on the man's face was…happy, as was something else that I'm not supposed to say because it is a T rated story and not M or NC-17. So there.

"Shall I do it some more?" Incognito Pancho leaned down to peck her lips. His lips tasted like a minty fresh snowstorm. Bella leaned in for more.

Someone stopped next to the fake couple.

"Bella?"

She froze at the man's lips. '_Here we go...'_

_**A/N: Yah, so, I just HAD to put a cliffhanger in there. I feel like being mean and stuff…Teehee…I will update as soon as I can. Please leave more of your wonderful reviews! Thank you so very much!!! **_**:)**

_**And I just thought of something that I thought was super funny….Edward is pimping….LOL! I'm sorry….It just popped into my head and…Well, let's just say I LOL'ed. Seriously… **_**:)**


	9. I'm what!

_**A/N: HELLO! I am updating again! Yay me! **_**:) **_**Anyways, I'm not extremely happy with this chapter. I have a little case of writers block and I am HATING it. Please tell me what you thought of this chapter. Thank you so much for the reviews! I really wouldn't be updating this if it wasn't for you guys! **_**:)**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight. Yay…

Chapter 9

I'm what?!

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Edward screamed. Bella cringed against the Pancho dude. Was he _trying _to burst their eardrums?

Bella turned to look at Edward.

"Why the hell are you saying what the hell?" Edward paused, confused. His slow brain couldn't process what Bella had just asked.

"Um…." He stuttered.

"I'm out with my lover. You got a problem with that?" Bella asked a different question. She flipped her head.

Edward growled. "Of COURSE I have a problem with that." He began walking towards them.

Bella sniffed. "You shouldn't. I mean, seriously. You knocked up Mike. You have NEVER even bounced my headboard or bitten MY pillows. Why him?" Bella hugged Pancho. The Pancho guy actually felt sorry for the crazy girl named Bella. How could this hottie guy not hit up this hottie girl?

Edward smiled dreamily. "Because he's sexy, steamy, dreamy, good in bed, and he loves me." He batted his eyelashes at Bella. She gagged and put a hand over her mouth.

"EW! That is so disgusting….And by the way, that's not a real answer, smart one!" she smiled and ran a hand through Pancho's course, brown hair.

"I only did it because I wasn't getting any! I was frustrated and Mike was the first idiot I could find that was willing to ease my stress." Edward said. Bella glared at him and pushed "Pancho" away.

"That was what this was all about?! You just wanted to push me on a bed and get it on? You made me kiss a random man just to hear you say you wanted to make my headboard bang?" Bella grumbled and started walking towards Alice's Porsche. "I mean, _seriously._ You could have just TOLD me and I would have done something about that. But NO. I was trying to wait till our wedding and be the good little girl everyone expects me to be."

'_Gosh, what a monkey butt!'_ Thought Bella as she unlocked the door.

"Bella, wait!" The weird vampire called. He was trying to walk as humanly possible to keep up with Bella. But she just ignored him.

"Thanks for helping me out, Mister dude!" She called, climbing into the front seat. The man nodded, looking a little sad, and walked off. Alice would find him later and give him his "reward."

Since he was gone and no one was paying attention, Edward zipped to the yellow Porsche and hopped in. Bella jumped when he suddenly appeared next to her. He almost chuckled, but Bella looked like she was about to kill him. She had a lighter ready in her hand.

"Come on, Bella. Talk to me." Edward tried dazzling her. Bella blinked once and started the car. She began driving and stopped at Edward's Volvo. _'Just one little bump wouldn't hurt that car of his.'_ She thought.

"I'm not leaving." He said, folding his arms across his chest. Bella glared daggers at him. Did he _have_ to be so annoying?

"Fine, if you won't get out, then I guess no feathers everywhere tonight." She smirked and began to drive again.

Edward's eyes widened. "I'm forgiven?" Bella kept a poker face.

"I never said that. Just get out and get home so we can uh-uh." Bella giggled and pushed an astonished Edward out of the Porsche. Edward stared open mouthed after her.

'_The idiot. He's going to get run over if he doesn't stop staring.'_ Bella thought as she hitched up the speed. _'Why did you forgive him, again? Oh, that's right, because I _always_ do.'_ She rolled her eyes and hurried the rest of the way home. She wanted to get it on with Edward. This would be their first time, which should be after they got married. But who gives a crap about morals now days?

'_Charlie. No, wait. He knocked up Renee and that was why they got married. DUH! I'm sure they wouldn't mind a little one on one with Edward.'_ She blushed at the thought and continued to home.


	10. YES, NO! AM NOT, ARE TO! IS NOT, IS TO!

_**A/N: HELLO ALL!!! I have another chapter for you! Yay! I'm only going to be able to update on the weekends as my internet is still not working. My sister's house has awesome connection so that is going to be the only time I'm going to be able to update. Thank you so much for the comments. Let's see if I can get a maximum of 5 reviews. I know you can do it!**_

**Disclaimer: **The usual. I don't own Twilight and I hope Stephenie Meyer doesn't sue me for using her characters.

**YES, NO! AM NOT, ARE TO! IS NOT, IS TO!**

-Bella signs on-

-Alice signs on-

Alice: So, I heard u had a gr8 time last night. *cough*

Bella: Yup. Damn, did u know that Ed was that good?

Alice: No, bcuz he is my bro.

Bella: oh…yeah…

-Emmett signs on-

Emmett: U 2 CULD HAVE BEEN LOUDER! Dang…I'm surprised that ppl in China didn't hear u guys.

Bella: Oh PLEASE! U and Rose sound like wild animals when u do it.

Emmett: Do not.

Bella: Do 2.

Emmett: Do not.

Bella: Do 2.

Emmett: Do-

Alice: Oh, cut the crap. YES U DO!

Emmett: Fine….

Bella: Ah, it's ok Em. U r just jealous that we r better than u.

Emmett: AM NOT!

Bella: ARE 2!

Emmett: AM-

Alice: STOP!!!

Emmett: I feel like every 1 hates me… *sulks*

Bella: Uh oh. Em is gonna get emo.

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: Did some 1 say emo?

Emmett: BELLA DID!

Jasper: Whoa, Bells. U wanna cut urself?

Bella: NO! And why r u talking IM like? I thought u didn't like that… O_O

Jasper: Well, I just felt like it. Ok?

Bella: Okie dokie!

Alice: So Jazz? Why can't u go what Ed and Bella did last night? I feel deprived.

Jasper: Bcuz my dear, I have emotional issues and it comes out through sex. I'm srry if u aren't gettin enough.

Alice: Uh, YEAH! U should be! I mean…None of MY pillows are torn…*sniffle*

Jasper: Like I sed, I'm srry babe.

Bella: Eddie and I r so awesome! HAH! In ur faces!!!! XP

Emmett: Humph…

Alice: Yeah…Humph.

Jasper: I agree…HUMPH!

Bella: W/e!

-Esme signs on-

Esme: WHO IN ALL HELL BASHED IN MY WALL?!?!?!?!?!

-All point to Bella-

Bella: HEY! It wasn't ALL my fault. Edward IS stronger than me u know.

Esme: Damn that son of mine. Where is he, btw?

Bella: Jacking off….

Esme: Mhm. Should have known.

-Esme signs off-

Alice: THANKS FOR GIVING US THAT LITTLE PIECE OF INFO, BELLA! GOSH!

Bella: Eh hem…Srry?

A loud crash is heard from upstairs and Edward comes running down. Esme is following him with a cooking pan raised above her head.

Emmett: Would u look at Eddie's face? PRICELESS! Where is the camera?

Jasper: In the safe.

Bella: Why is it in the safe?

Alice: Bcuz that is our Edward defiling camera and everything we take pics of goes on ze internet.

Bella: And u never told me about this bcuz?

Jasper: We didn't want to embarrass poor Ed.

Bella: HAHA! Like u haven't done that in the past.

Emmett: Right.

-Eddie the feddie signs on-

Eddie the feddie: WHAT THE HELL? WHY IS ESME ABOUT 2 KILL ME?

Jasper: Cuz u killed her wall.

Etf: And that deserves the death penalty bcuz?

Emmett: U SUCK!

Bella: A lot of things…. Teehee. :)

Etf: Nice 1, love.

Bella: Thanks!

Emmett: Do u notice n e thing different bout that name or urs.

-Edward looks-

Etf: WHAT THE HELL? WHY DOES EVERY 1 HATE ME?

Bella: I don't.

Alice: Neither do I.

Etf: Thank u. So comforting. What does it mean, my name?

Emmett: That u r a federal criminal, hence feddie.

Etf: I hate u.

Emmett: I know!

Etf: That is not something 2 be happy about.

Emmett: oh…

Bella: Em is stupid.

Emmett: No I is not!

Bella: R 2

Emmett: Is not

Bella: R 2

Etf: WTF is up w/ u guys?

Bella: I had sugar.

Emmett: I hugged myself.

Alice: It was disturbing.

Jasper: Talk about disturbing. Rihanna is HOTT!

Emmett: Dude…Wth?

Jasper: She is.

Emmett: Is not.

Jasper: Is too.

Emmett: IS NOT!

Jasper: Is-

-Carlisle signs on-

Carlisle: CUT THE CRAP! Rihanna IS hot!

Etf: Whoa…Since when did u like Rihanna?

Carlisle: Since 2 days ago. I bought her CD.

Etf: Right…

Bella: Rihanna is cool. I like her music.

Alice: Oh yeah!

Emmett: I dance to her music in the shower.

Jasper: TMI bro.

Emmett: What does TMI mean?

Alice: That means idiot.

Emmett: Why do u need 3 letters just 2 say idiot?

Bella: Dumbbutt, it means That Means Idiot.

Etf: I thought it meant too much info.

Bella, Jasper, Alice: SHUT UP!

Etf: Oh..I get it.

Emmett: Get what?

Etf: Nothing…

Emmett: R u keeping something from me 2 make me look stupid.

Carlisle: No son. We r trying 2 make u feel smart. *sarcasm*

Emmett: HEY! I resent that!

Carlisle: Srry.

Emmett: Psh…

Bella: Em?

Emmett: Huh?

Bella: We luv u.

Emmett: Yuhuh, sure.

Bella: What? It's tru!

Etf: don't lie Bella dear.

Bella: I was only tryin to make him feel better.

Alice: Lol

Jasper: Roflmao

Bella: What is so bad about that? Jeez, well at least I luv u Em.

Emmett: Thanks, sis.

Bella: No prob.

Carlisle: Esme awaits. Later.

-Carlisle signs off-

Alice: My closet awaits. Bye! And Bella, u r coming w/ me.

Bella: NO!

Alice: YES!

Bella: NOOO!!!

Alice: YESSS!!!

Bella: N-

Etf: HUSH!

Bella: Jeez…Later peeps.

Alice: Bye…

-Alice signs off-

-Bella signs off-

Emmett: Ima go play w/ Barbies. Bye pimps.

-Emmett signs off-

Jasper: Did he just call us pimps?

Etf: I think so.

Jasper: Shall we change his name then?

Etf: We shall.

-Jasper signs off-

-Edward signs off-

-Esme signs on-

Esme: AHGKALFJDLASKFHGAIWEGHHJADIFJADJFDAIJF….Oooh, caps lock. :P

-Esme signs off-

* * *

_Review please!!! :) They really make me happy!_


	11. Mr Gills

_**A/N: Weee!!!!!!! :) So, I didn't get five reviews, but that it quite okay. I just thank you guys for reading this. Hope you like this!**_

**Disclaimer: **Twilight is not mine. Duh.

-Bella signs on-

-Alice signs on-

-Monkeybutt signs on-

Monkeybutt: Damn that Edward and Jasper…

Bella: Is that u Em?

Mb: Yup.

Alice: Haha, they changed ur name.

Mb: Shut up.

Alice: I'm not talking.

Mb: W/e

Bella: Emmett? Did u get a fish?

Mb: Yup, I named him Mr. Gills.

Alice: Original.

Mb: I know right?!

Bella: That was sarcasm, u know…

Mb: Oh…

Alice: Y did u get him?

Mb: Cuz I felt like it.

Bella: Of course.

Mb: Hush, child.

Bella: I am NOT a child.

Mb: That's what she said.

Alice: She is 17.

Bella: 18!!!

Alice: Oh yeah…

Mb: Ha, nice. U 4got how old she was.

Alice: U know what? DON'T TALK!

Mb: Psh, w/e!

Bella: It's ok, Allie.

Alice: Thanks.

Bella: No prob. That's what I'm here 4.

Mb: No, you're here for me to annoy the hell out of.

Bella: Emmett?

Mb: Huh?

Bella: Shut up.

Mb: I'm-

Bella: And don't even say ur not talking.

Mb: But I'm not.

Bella: SHUT UP!!!

Mb: Jeez…

Alice: Nice, Bella.

Bella: Thanks, dude.

Alice: I am NOT a dude.

Bella: Yeah, well…U sure look like 1. JK!

Alice: FU!

Mb: Did u take those hippie pills?

Bella: le gasp! How did u know?

Mb: I took them 2…Good stuff, man.

Bella: I know…We should go to Woodstock.

Mb: TOTALLY!

Bella: And we'll be all like, "Hey man, those drugs. Mmm, they're something."

Mb: Yeah and then we'll totally be walking all drunk like.

Bella: Oo! And I can wear 1 of those coolio headbands.

Mb: And I can run around naked.

Bella: …

Alice: …

Mb: What? Is there a problem w/ that?

Bella: Yes, u'll break the law.

Alice: U'll burn my eyes.

Mb: Humph, u know I'm sexy.

Bella: EW!!!!!!!!!

Alice: Oh yes, u r.

Mb: Really?

Alice: NO!

Mb: That was mean.

Alice: I know.

Bella: So….How's Mr. Gills?

Mb: He is awesome. Actually, he's belly-side up. Aw, he's playing tricks on me. He's so cute.

Bella: …Um…

Alice: Emmett?

Mb: Yeah?

Alice: That means he's dead.

Mb: Nu uh!

Alice: Yu huh!

Mb: But when I shake the bowl he moves.

Bella: Dumbass, that's bcuz ur shaking the water.

Mb: I am not a dumbass! And my fish is not dead!

Alice: I disagree w/ both those things.

Bella: Me 2.

Mb: U guys r just jealous bcuz I have a fish and u don't.

Bella: I'm jealous….NOT!

Alice: right…

Mb: Be that way then…I will leave now.

Alice: Good riddance.

Mb: HEY!

Alice: What? It's the truth.

Mb: W/e

-Monkeybutt signs off-

Bella: So…I might try out 4 American Idol.

Alice: Really?

Bella: Yeah….My singing voice is awesome!

Alice: Let me hear.

-Bella sings-

-breaks windows-

Alice: Uh….

Bella: Was I gr8 or what?

Alice: He….he…..

Bella: Alice?

Alice: …

Bella: ALICE!!!

Alice: Yeah…u were….uh….gr8.

Bella: U didn't like it.

Alice: Um…no it's not that it's…uh…

Bella: Gosh…I suck, just say it.

Alice: U suck.

Bella: Oh, thanks! I didn't REALLY mean it!

Alice: But u said-

Bella: THAT WAS NOT RETORICAL.

Alice: Oh…

Bella: Well…At least Eddie thought I was good.

Alice: *cough, cough*

Bella: Humph.

Alice: Edward has a demented mind soo….

Bella: R u saying that he was lying 2 me?

Alice: Precisely

Bella: GRR!

Alice: Don't hate me.

Bella: 2 late…

Alice: I is srry!

Bella: W/E!

Alice: PLEASE 4GIVE ME! I WILL DO W/E U WANT ME 2!

Bella: Will u make Emmett a man whore?

Alice: Sure, just please 4give me!

Bella: Ok.

Alice: Now about that man whore…

Bella: Yes, I want u 2 sign Em up on a "Looking for sex" website.

Alice: Then ppl will come here?

Bella: Yes, and they will ask 4 Emmett.

Alice: And then Emmett will not know who the hell they r but still invite them in?

Bella: That's the plan.

Alice: I like

Bella: big butts

Alice: and I cannot lie.

Bella: Ur other brother can't deny? Is that right?

Alice: Idk?…Continue.

Bella: When a girl

Alice: walks in

Bella: W/ an itty bitty waist

Alice: and a round thing in ur

Bella: face!

Alice: U get-

-Esme signs on-

Esme: What's all this about big butts?

Alice: Uh…

Bella: Nothing, Esme. Just doing some homework…

Alice: Yeah! We r doing a science project on big butts and the fat in them…

Bella: And then we have 2 make a chart on butt sizes.

Esme: Sounds interesting.

Bella: It is.

Alice: 2tally.

Esme: Alright…Later.

-Esme signs off-

Bella: Um…That was weird.

Alice: it was.

Bella: well…I better go..

Alice: Me 2…

Bella: Bye, Alice.

Alice: Bye, Bella.

-Alice signs off-

-Bella signs off-


	12. Womanizer and FUN WITH CAPS

_**A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! I really, absolutely love you for this. So now I shall gift you with another chapter! Tada! :)  
**_

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill.

-Bella signs on-

-Alice signs on-

Alice: So I guess American Idol didn't work out for you.

Bella: No…And I am officially sad. :(

Alice: It'll b ok.

Bella: I know…Simon Cowell was way hotter in person than on TV.

Alice: I agree.

Bella: Man. I wish they would have liked me…I really wanted 2 be on TV. I wanted all those fans and stuff…

Alice: Yeah…It's not all that gr8.

Bella: U would know.

Alice: Exactly.

-Edward signs on-

Edward: Thank God I was able 2 change my name back.

Bella: I actually liked that name…

Edward: -_-

Alice: Lol. It was kinda cool.

Edward: Shut up.

Bella: Stop being a meany head.

Edward: I'm not being a meany head.

Bella: Yes u r.

Edward: Nope.

Bella: Yup.

Edward: No…

Bella: Yes…

Edward: Ok, fine, I am.

Bella: YES! I WIN! Since when do I actually beat ppl at this game?

Alice: Since u started that w/ Emmett.

Bella: Oh…right.

Alice: So…..

Bella: Yeah…….

Edward: For shizz

Alice: Womanizer

Bella: Woman-

Alice: womanizer

Bella: you're a womanizer

Alice: oh, womanizer

Bella: oh, you're a womanizer

Alice: baby.

Edward: You, you, you

Bella: are

Alice: You, you you

Bella: are

Edward: Womainzer

Bella: Womainzer

Alice: Womanizer

-All-

Womanizer

Bella: That was fun.

Alice: I agree…Ed?

Edward: Yus?

Alice: How did u know that song?

Edward: I…Uh…Erm….

Bella: Oh, he listens to Britney Spears in the shower.

Edward: BELLA! U weren't supposed 2 tell any1 that.

Bella: Oh…. Srry?

Edward: *sigh* it's ok.

Alice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: That was what I was trying 2 prevent.

Bella: ALICE!

Alice: WHAT?

Bella: DON'T LAUGH AT POOR EDWARD!

Alice: BUT IT WAS SOOOO FUNNY!

Bella: I KNOW!!!

Edward: WHY R WE TYPING IN CAPS?!

Bella: BCUZ IT'S FUN!!!

Alice: I AGREE!!!

Edward: BUT IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE WE R MAD AT EACH OTHER!

Alice: WHO CARES! NO 1 ELSE IS GONNA READ THIS!

Bella: EMMETT MIGHT…

Alice: GOOD POINT!

Edward: YEAH….

Bella: SO WHAT R WE GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

Alice: IDK!

Edward: WE COULD STOP TYPING LIKE THIS?

Bella: NO!! IT'S 2 MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: OH WELL….

Bella: WOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Alice: WTH?!

Bella: WTF?!

Edward: WTFH?!

Alice: NICE 1 EDWARD.

Edward: THANKS!

Bella: ALRIGHT…THIS IS GETTING BORING…

Alice: WHAT? U HAVE GOT 2 BE KIDDING ME!

Bella: I'M NOT!

Edward: UH, HOW DARE U SAY THAT!

Bella: UM…….

Alice: WE SHOULD SHUN HER!

Edward: BUT THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY1 TO GET IT ON W/.

Alice: A BREAK WOULD HELP U. SERIOUSLY.

Edward: I SUPPOSE…..

Alice: BELLA NEEDS TO CALM IT DOWN A BIT ANYWAYS..

Bella: I AM RIGHT HERE U KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice: UR POINT IS?

Bella: I'M LEAVING NOW! GOODBYE! AND NO SEX 4 U EDWARD, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Bella signs off-

Edward: WELL….THANK U SO MUCH ALICE!!!!

Alice: UR WELCOME!!! :)

Edward: THAT WAS SARCASTIC!!!!!!!!

Alice: I GUESS CAPS LOCK COMES IN HANDY WHEN UR MAD.

Edward: YEAH…..I'LL LEAVE NOW 2…

Alice: BUT…I WON'T HAVE ANY1 2 CAPS LOCK TALK W/. :(

Edward: I'M SURE EMMETT WON'T MIND TALKING 2 U.

Alice: EW, HIS UGLY ASS? NO….

Edward: UR CHOICE. LATER ALICE.

-Edward signs off-

Alice: GUESS I'M ALL BY MYSELF…

Alice: DON'T WANNA BE

Alice: ALL BY MYSELF…

Alice: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Alice: TEEHEE….THIS IS FUN……

Alice: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

Alice: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Alice: I'M 2 SEXY FOR MY SHIRT

Alice: 2 SEXY 4 MY SHIRT…..

Alice: SO SEXY IT HURTS…

Alice: GAH…THIS IS STUPID…..

Alice: LATER MYSELF. :)

Alice: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

-Alice signs off-


	13. Squirrelly Star Wars Porn

_**A/N: Oh, you guys! I am SO sorry for the long wait. I know this chapter is short and I should have put more effort into it....He...he...Well, I hope you like it...And this story will now be rated M for certain words and innuendos. :)**_

**Disclaimer: **Read the others....

Chapter 14

Squirrelly Star Wars Porn

-Edward signs on-

-Alice signs on-

-Bella signs on-

Bella: Uh…why is Emmett foaming at the mouth?

Edward: Bcuz my dear, Emmett has rabies.

Bella: Omg! Was he bit by that rabid squirrel?

Alice: Oh yeah.

Bella: Run away! Run away! Run away!

Edward: Ur funny.

Bella: AM NOT!

Edward: R2

Bella: D2

Alice: Huh?

Bella: R2D2

Edward: Star Wars

Alice: Yes, I know. I was just confused.

Bella: confuzzled

Alice: Now I am confused again.

Edward: Confused and puzzled morphed 2gether.

Bella: OMG! U read my mind!

Edward: Did not!

Bella: Did 2!

Edward: Ur silly. I can't read ur mind. DUH!

Bella: Well, I was just hoping…

-Emmett signs on-

Emmett: I WILL EAT CHU!!!!!

Alice: Oh no! I'm so freakin scared!

Emmett: Rawr!

Alice: Still not scurd.

Emmett: I'll join forces with the squirrel and we will TAKE. YOU. DOWN!!!!!

-Squirrel signs on-

Squirrel: What he said!

Bella: AHHH!!!! It's the squirrel!!!!!

Squirrel: That name's Nutty Balls.

Bella: Uh….

Alice: Nice name.  
Squirrel: Thanks.

Edward: So…U gonna take us down?

Squirrel: Nah…I've got some more ppl 2 bite. Yummy.

Bella: EEK!!!! O.O

Emmett: Hehehehehehehehehe…

-Emmett signs off-

-Squirrel signs off-

Bella: Um, shuld we go warn other ppl about them?

Alice: Nope…It'll b fun 2 c how they react. Silly humans!

Bella: Eh hem! There is 1 sitting right here.

Edward: She didn't mean anything by it.

Alice: Of really?

Bella: Joy…has the rabid squirrel, excuse me, Nutty Balls, bitten u 2?

Edward: U2 is an awesome band!

Bella: Edward?

Edward: Hmm?

Bella: Shut up.

Edward: sorry, Miss Grumpy Pants.

Bella: HUMPH!

Alice: No, I wasn't bitten by Nutty. I'm just naturally evil. Mwauhahahahahahahaha!!!!

Bella: Oh…kay?

Edward: She b lyin.

Alice: AM NOT!

Edward: R2

Bella: D2

Alice: Seriously, enough with the Star Wars cracks.

Edward: I AM UR FATHER!!!!!

Bella: Oh no! U chopped my hand off! Now I will fall down this giant tunnel thingy…

Edward: Mwauhahahahahhahahahahahahaha!!!! I'm good.

Bella: Die, you will. Smart, I are.

Alice: Nice, Bells.

Bella: Thanx

Edward: No 1 liked my evilness? *sob*

Bella: Aw, don't cry my sweety-bums! I loved it, u sexy hunk!

Edward: Thank u, sugarpie.

Alice: Cue gushy make-out scene.

Bella: Don't be jealous, Ali.

Alice: Ugh! I am NOT jealous.

Edward: Ur turning green

Bella: w/ envy!

Alice: U guys r ReTaRtEd.

Bella: I'm not a guy.

Alice: Well, I just thought that since u _guys_ kiss like horses.

Bella: How do u even know how a horse kisses?

Edward: She watches animal porn

Bella: o.O

Alice: NUH UH!

Edward: Yep, I hear those animals grunting and squawking in ur room.

Alice: I have no clue what ur talking about.

Bella: I think I'll check her history.

Alice: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Edward: Aha! U DO watch animal porn!!!

Alice: Fine….But u know u like it.

Edward: nope.

Alice: don't be a snot. U know u've watched some.

Edward: I never.

Bella: W/e

Alice: and Bella! We know u've seen some type of porn.

Bella: Oh yeah, amateur.

Alice: C?

Edward: Fine. I do. But Bella is way better.

Bella: Thank u.

Edward: No prob.

Alice: I think we shuld get off b4 Esme and Carlisle find this. No pun intended.

Bella: Lol.

Edward: Alright…

-Edward signs off-

-Bella signs off-

-Alice signs off-


	14. Emmett VS Author

**_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! I just want to say that this might be one of the last chapters. I'm starting bigger things and I just want to say that this story is completed. I am really grateful for this experience (as retarded as it might have been) and I looke forward to creating some new crazy ass stuff. So, here's the second to last chapter. Maybe third to last, I don't know. Hope you enjoy!_**

**Disclaimer:** Twilight doesn't belong to me.

**Emmett VS. Author**

-Emmett signs on-

-Bella signs on-

Bella: I have a ? 4 u

Emmett: Shoot

Bella: Y did I c u in a strip club?

Emmett: Y were u in the strip club?

Bella: Just answer my ?

Emmett: I'm a pole dancer

Bella: What?

Emmett: U herd me

Bella: Ew. Bad mental image

Emmett: Aw, I thought it was gonna be a good 1

Bella: STFU

-Carlisle signs on-

Carlisle: Emmett makes good business

Bella: Ur in on this?

Carlisle: Of course! I am a stripper after all.

Bella: What next? Ur gonna tell me that Jasper is gay?

-Jasper signs on-

Jasper: I resent that!

Bella: Sry Jazz

Jasper: Tis alright

Carlisle: Well, back 2 ur ?, yes, I was gonna say he was.

Jasper: Carlisle! I'm ashamed of u!

Carlisle: Sry, son. U know it's tru

Jasper: I know.

Bella: So, u and Em are in the business?

Emmett: U bet!

Carlisle: How much wuld u pay 4 me, Bella?

Bella: Uh, shuld I answer this ?

Jasper: Just make him happy. He's askin every1.

Bella: Oh. Um, $500?

Carlisle: Wow, that's the highest yet! Do u think I'm sexy?

Bella: Er…

-Edward signs on-

Edward: Dad! I thought u wuldn't ask her that!

Carlisle: But…

Bella: I think ur hot.

Carlisle: But not sexy?

Bella: No, just Ed.

Edward: Aw, thanks.

Bella: No prob, sugar plum.

Emmett: Le gasp! The balls r small!

Bella: Shuld I ask?

Edward: No

Bella: Ok

Emmett: Uh, u dirty minds! I was talkin bout marbles.

Bella: Oh, so ur talking about ur balls. I c.

Emmett: HEY!!!

Bella: Teehee.

Edward: Well, u know it's tru. Rose won't even tuch them.

Jasper: Ur deformed Emmy boy.

Emmett: I will rip my pants off right now and show u that they r not small!!!

Bella: NO!

Edward: NOOOO!!!

Jasper: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Carlisle: Yes, please.

Bella: EWWWW

Jasper: Agreed.

Edward: I will be leavin now.

-Edward signs off-

Bella: Please, Em. Don't torture my mind.

Emmett: Sry.

Carlisle: Hmm. Guess I can't c them. But thinking about balls.

Bella: Stop masturbating my emotions, Jazz!

Jasper: It's not my fault. Carly is makin me horny!

Bella: Well, dammit. Now I'm horny. EDWARD. Where r u?!

-Bella signs off-

Jasper: Damn u Emmett. Thanks 4 makin us all horny.

Emmett: No problem, my friend.

Carlisle: I shall go 2 strip club now. Need some action.

-Carlisle signs off-

Jasper: I need Alice. NOW!

-Jasper signs off-

Emmett: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Emmett: Rosy baby, here I come.

Emmett: And not that kind of come. Dirty bastards who read these IMs. I will kill u all!!!!

-Author signs on-

Author: No, u won't Emmett.

Emmett: Who the fuck r u?

Author: The ? is, who the fuck r u?

Emmett: I'm Em—

Author: It wasn't retorhical.

Emmett: U spelled rhetorical wrong.

Author: I can spell words whatever way I fucking want.

Emmett: Well, u don't have to b such a bitch about it.

Author: If u keep retorting, I will cut off ur small balls.

Emmett: I do NOT—

Author: U don't think I know this, Emmett Cullen?

Emmett: Ur not Stephenie Meyer, so no, I don't.

Author: What if I was?

Emmett: Then u wuldn't be threatening to kill me.

Author: Rly?

-Meyer signs on-

Meyer: I'm going to kill u, Emmett.

-Meyer signs off-

Author: Told u.

Emmett: Fuck u.

Author: Fuck urself.

Emmett: Oops, can't do that.

Author: Well, then. I'll fuck u.

Emmett: That sounds nice.

Author: HAHA! Kidding, sshole.

Emmett: Goodbye then.

Author: U GET UR SMALL ASS BACK HERE!

Emmett: NO.

Author: I'M WRITING UR DEATH RIGHT NOW.

Emmett: BITE ME.

Author: With pleasure.

Emmett: Oh ho. Now u wanna be cocky.

Author: Oh, ur dick is small 2.

Emmett: I'm leaving now.

Author: Fine. Go. I don't care.

Emmett: Fine. I will go! And I don't care either!

Author: Well, what r u waiting 4?

Emmett: Idk.

Author: B gone u tiny bastard!

Emmett: Fine.

-Emmett signs off-

Author: Rawr.

Author: I always win.

-Emmett sings on-

Emmett: Fuck ur cat.

-Emmett signs off-

Author: Well damn…I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAT!!!!

Author: Oh, I'll get him. Mwuahahahahaha.

-Author signs off-

_**A/N: And I WILL get that tiny bastard. :)**_


End file.
